There are three pieces to me.

First, I am a family man.  I always knew that would be a part of me someday, and have been fortunate to marry and have wonderful kids. It’s as awesome and as challenging as I thought it would be.  Actually, more so for both categories.

Second, I am a Man.  I have wants and needs just like any other, accepting that mine are unique to my personality.  I have many desires in life.  This is my creative self.  It’s the part of me that wants to rock out, play guitar and drums, try new things like photography, and express my thoughts through writing.  It’s also the husband in me, that loves his wife and wants to spend time alone with her.

Third, I am a steady worker.  I’m reliable, and I do more than is expected in most situations.  I’ve never had a bad review.  My direct reports like me and appreciate the recognition I give them.  I like my career.

The trick is keeping all three pieces of me going strong.  When all three are doing great, life is amazing.  Even having two out of three doing well is pretty good too.  However, if only one of them or none of them are good life starts to feel like more of a struggle than a journey, and that isn’t sustainable for very long.

I’m lucky that family life is almost always awesome.  Very lucky there.  It’s one place where the amount of effort you put in comes back to you two fold.  I don’t know of any other thing in this world like that.

Lately, work has been steady although not challenging.  I have a flexible job and good pay.  Beyond that, there’s nothing interesting about what I’m doing for this company.  Unless someone offers me those things plus something creative and fun, I won’t be seeking anything different.  I’d call this part of me a wash right now.  I’m happy to have solid work and realize my good fortune.  It’s not bad, but also not awesome.

The Man is the piece of me who has conflict these days.  The creative person who had new ideas, new things to say, new experiences, learned daily, and was able to share himself with others, is gone.  He left 8 months ago when I had to shut down my blog, and I haven’t seen him since.

I used to write a lot.  I kept up several blogs, social networking sites, and still loved to have several email threads going with friends.  I used to take photos for fun.  A lot of them.  Daily.  I used to memorize tabs over lunch and vibrate with anticipation at getting home to play a new song on my guitar.  I shared online friendships with drummers and after watching them play, videoed myself playing, aspiring to get better by learning from them.  I even went to blogger meet-ups in different cities to meet the people I knew so well online.  Those were great adventures.  By opening my mind to do so much, I could do all of that and more.  Most of that was during very busy times at work, too.  The more I did, the more I wanted to try.  My brain was firing all synapses and humming along at a comfortable pace.  I was very happy.

And then something happened.  I had to shut down my blog and reel back my online life… and in doing so, I sucked the life out of it.

This is quite an admission for me, because I know some of you will find it ridiculous that a person could have so much wrapped up in the Internet.  Let me explain at least a little bit.

I love being married and given the chance, I wouldn’t even swap out Natalie Portman with Liz, because she’s so perfect for me.  No, really!  That being said, I don’t think any one person can provide everything that I could ever want from life.  It’s not rational to think that we humans are so simple that we only need to interact with one person.  Liz isn’t a computer nerd, musician, tattoo lover, or “alternative” in any way.  She isn’t into heavy metal, she doesn’t like mosh pits, and the only time I saw her with dark eye makeup is when she got caught in the rain and her mascara ran.  She doesn’t play hockey, yearn for a classic cars and motorcycles, or shoot photos to do anything but capture a smile.  These aren’t deficiencies, they’re differences.  The list of things she IS and does well would be too long to post, but at the top of that list I’d say she is an amazing listener, great friend, thoughtful person, active, and always looking to better herself. She is driven, sexy, and generous almost to a fault. That’s exactly who I want to be with forever.  However, this crazy and wonderful thing called the Internet provided me with a creative outlet that feeds the gap in our differences, and when it was taken from me, I lost a part of me that I really liked.  I lost the fire, and the fire fuels creative juices, extroversion, excitement, and parts of my relationship with Liz.  My wants and needs have been buried, and I haven’t found a way to dig them up again.

You’re probably saying, “Um, isn’t this is a web site right here?”  Yes.  I created this site so that I could continue on, but it’s just not me.

Somehow I found a name and a place that fit me just perfect.  Every once and while you get dressed up in your favorite clothes, look really nice, and everything fits just right.  You look and feel great and that excites you to go out and have a great time.  It instills confidence, maybe enough to strike up a conversation with someone new, or dance in front of people despite your lack of groovy moves.  You feel like a million bucks, right?  That is the confidence I had, and I just don’t have it here.

I can’t be me here.  If I can’t be me, then I don’t want to be here.

9 Comments | By: Brody | | #

For most of my life, I’ve subscribed to the theory that everything happens for a reason.  Intertwined with this belief is the idea that Karma is the great balancer of life.  Life is not as random as it seems, and if you do good for people, you will have good things come to you.

I do this almost daily when good or bad things happen.  I suppose it’s a bit like trusting that Jesus takes care of us all the time and therefore we shouldn’t question his sincerity or our path (I don’t believe that).  It’s my own pint-sized version of a religion without all of the hatred and guilt that accompanies some of those.  We all have to think about the big picture at some time and when I do, this is what drives me.

When I’m caught behind a slow car, I bury my frustration and keep an eye out for what’s happening a few miles down the road.  Many times I’ve found a cop running radar or an accident that just occurred.  I recently had a birthday and it was one of the best celebrations I’ve had.  I wondered why this odd-numbered birthday was so special.  As I looked around the table I could think of something kind that each of them had said recently to me or about me.  It reminded me that I’m just reaping the benefits of good give and take relationships.

This is comfortable to me.  Much like belief in a flavor of God, I take some comfort in knowing that being a good person will make my life better on this planet and beyond.  I feel more at peace in my belief that our down times are to be followed with great times because of the balance laid out for us.

And this is why it is so fucking hard to understand why people leave this Earth early.

All of my life I’ve tried to dig inside and find answers to why my dad, whom all revered as a wonderful, giving soul, would be forced to cut out early and leave such grief behind.  As I’ve grown to the man I am today I’ve gained some perspective on that.  I wouldn’t change my life for anything.  I’m extremely fortunate, and as grim as it sounds, that makes me fear how different my life would be if my dad had been here to raise me.  Was his life taken so that I could live so comfortably and grow in this way?  Maybe so.  Or maybe it was just a horrible accident.  I can’t say.

I laid in bed last night, unable to fall asleep.  You see, a friend of mine’s daughter died this weekend and it’s rattling around in my brain like coins in a tin can.  Loudly.  It keeps bringing up the one word question: why?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  These are people who worked hard to make sure that their kids were safe, cared for, loved unconditionally.  In truth, there is no apparent answer.  We’re all just sad, and that’s all there is to it.

I will say, as a full grown man with a family of his own, only recently have I gained much perspective on why my father died just after my first birthday.  To be honest though, having even a shred of understanding doesn’t make the pain any less.  It just helps me appreciate the time he was here and respect the life he gave me.  And I expect that’s the best any of us can do.

8 Comments | By: Brody | | #

This week was even better than the last.  Work during the week was heavy, and at times it was frustrating.  However, it was nice to share that frustration with a co-worker instead of just burying it like I usually do.  It also made the week pass a bit faster, because there wasn’t any time where we were searching for things to say or do.

Away from work we had some fun too.  On Friday, we spent some time over lunch returning something to Best Buy and browsing around the technology.  He was pretty floored at how cheap a laptop is these days, and so was I.  It’s nuts that technology gets better and prices get cheaper.  He looked at a laptop backpack for about 20 minutes and then we left for lunch.  Near the end of the day, the other guy who works in my office on this account (also Indian) invited him to go out and do some shopping.  He drove him back to the hotel, which is the first time anyone else has driven him since he’s been here.  Holy smokes!  I’d like to say that I got home early and played with the kids, but instead, work had an emergency and I ended up working late anyway.

Saturday was the NHL All-star skills competition and I had friends over along with my new friend.  We ate pizza (no beef!), drank some beers (not all of us!), chatted, watched hockey, and hung out.  It was fun, and of course my oldest friends were very engaging and gracious with our newest member.  We played Yahtzee again because math is pretty universal.  Give some thought to the popular board games and you’ll find a distinctly American touch.  It was a good time, and when I dropped him off late, he had a smile on his face.

Sunday I picked him up before noon and we met up with Liz, the kids, and Liz’ parents to go bowling.  He had never been before, although he knew what it was.  They have a bowling alley in the big cities in India, he just hadn’t been.  Although his approach was unique, he was a pretty good bowler!  He got a 90 or so, and had a good time.  We left everyone after just one game to go grab a bite to eat before seeing a movie.  I took him to an Indian restaurant, which was his first since landing in the US.  He liked it a lot, and thought it was very authentic.  I love Indian food, so it was a treat for me too.  Afterwards, we went to see Slumdog Millionaire.  It’s an award-winning movie about an Indian boy who grows up without parents at a rough time in his city, and finds himself on the Indian Who Wants to be a Millionaire.  The story is very well told, is dramatic and well-paced, and it stars an all-Indian cast.  We both really liked it, and I had the advantage of a personal guide through the scenes whose significance might have been lost (ie. the 1993 Muslim riots).

When I dropped him off, it was like dropping off a friend who I’d just spent a fun afternoon with.  And I guess that’s the tale I’m telling.  I kind of fought this idea of being the American host, because this is a business trip and we’ve not met before.  I figured he would simply drive himself to and from work and he and I would schedule several dinners as a means to get to know each other and ease the boredom.  However, when he got here I saw how much of a shock it was to him, and I couldn’t just let him drown in the deep end.  We have ended up spending a ton of time together, and although it’s been tiresome, I ended up not minding so much.  As a result, I started with an unknown co-worker ended up with a friend.  There are worse ways to spend 25 days.

5 Comments | By: Brody | tags: Indian visitor. | #

Another week has gone by and my friend is still alive.  Damaged by American food, for sure, but alive all the same.

Our week at work together was the most productive one I’ve had in a long time and I’m happy to say that I really like my co-workers.  Another out-of-towner joined us too.  In a perfect world, we’d all work together in the same office and communication would be painless and fun.  As it is, we will all separate in a couple of weeks and my only visual co-worker will be my cat and a package of shortbread cookies.  I know… you’re thinking “I’ll take the cat and cookies”.  It does rock most of the time, but after 6-months of working alone, it’s been kind of nice to have someone to chat with face-to-face now and then.

We worked together all week, often sitting together or meeting in conference rooms with others.  Everyone learned a lot, especially me.  I think it also gave me the opportunity to prove that I do and know more than administrative work.  I’m a technical team leader but due to cutbacks I also became the team supervisor and handle those tasks too.  Some people have only seen one side.

When we’re not working, we’ve tried to pull my Indian friend in on bits of American life.  Friday night, he met my family at a restaurant as we all had dinner together.  I was happy to see that he is good with kids.  He brought them candy, and after only a short while, they warmed up to him.  Liz didn’t understand much of what he said, but I helped things along.  His accent is strong but I’ve got an ear for it now so I catch about 95% of his words.  We then took him up to the local high school for a varsity basketball game.  He loved that, and it was especially fun because of a local player who is already signed with a big university.  We showed him Liz’ classroom, and explained how the school works.  That was impressive too, and he told us how it differed in India.  It was a fun night, but after dropping him off I was exhausted.

Saturday, we had him over for dinner at our house.  I made chicken parmesean with spaghetti, which was safe and good, but apparently not salty enough for him.  He poured it on.  The kids had a friend over and they all squealed and ran around.  This made him happy, and I got the feeling that he was used to a loud room with kids.  He has a young daughter and certainly she’s as much of a handful as ours.  We introduced him to the game of Yahtzee, which was a lot of fun. He beat Liz and I, and was declared a Yahtzee shark.

Sunday, we took him to the National WWI museum in Kansas City.  He likes history as a subject, and was very interested about it.  It was a neat activity, and a good way to show him other parts of the city.  Afterwards we ate lunch downtown and dropped by Best Buy before taking him back to the hotel.

Monday morning arrived again, and I was there to pick him up at 7:30am as usual.

I’ve spent every day except one with him now, and although we’ve only just passed the half-way point of his visit, I’m beat.  I’m really mentally and physically tired.  I know that partly it’s because work has picked up dramatically this month, but mostly it’s because I’m away from the house and my family more and it wears on me.

I pick him up in the morning.  We work together all morning.  I take him to lunch.  It’s an experience.  We go back and work more.  I drive him to his hotel.  I drive home, arriving an hour later than usual.  We sometimes talk in the evening if a work issue arises.  We’ve spent an average of 9 hours together every day for the past 13 days and there’s 12 more to go.  We’re way beyond co-worker responsibility here.  But I can say that we’re friends.

Wish me luck, or send me a case of RedBull or something.  :)  More later.

4 Comments | By: Brody | tags: Indian visitor. | #

It’s been a few days now, and we’re getting along really well.  I think my biggest fear was that he would be a non-smiler.  One thing I’ve learned about my interactions with Indian people is that there is a fairly long warm-up period.  And in truth, I was told long ago that Americans are so quick to warm to people that it often seems fake and contrived.  So, I can see why there is some hesitation at opening up.  Luckily, my Indian friend smiles and laughs without reservation.

He also burps while talking, sometimes spraying food in your direction, so watch out.

Over the weekend I hadn’t planned anything for him so on Saturday I took crackers, cheese, juice, water, and cookies to his hotel and chatted with him for an hour or so.  When I arrived, he hollered that he’d be just a minute.  It was a few minutes though, and I began to feel creepy standing in the hotel hall alone.  He let me in and I instantly realized that he had been dropping a huge load off in the bathroom.  Our friendly visit had only one cloud over it, but it was a huge poop cloud that hung above our too-small-for-open-bathroom-doors hotel room for the duration.  To be fair, I don’t think this is an Indian thing.  It’s more like something your uncle Larry might pull if you were on a road trip with him.

His sleeping has been off, and he’s been falling asleep at 7:00pm or so and waking up around 4 or 5 in the morning.  India is 11.5 hours ahead of us, which makes it the complete opposite side of the world.  His body will be messed up for a while.  Probably just long enough to go home and screw it up again.

Eating has been interesting.  As a Hindu, he doesn’t eat beef so I’ve tried to find places that offer chicken or vegetarian foods.  Mexican works well.

I’m driving him to and from work right now and each time, he walks to my side of the car first and then over to the passenger side.  In India they drive on the other side of the road and their steering wheels are on the other side of the car.  He knows he’s the passenger, but passengers are supposed to go on the left!  It gets funnier every time, so we had a really good laugh this morning.

It’s cold here.  Today when I picked him up it was 9 degrees outside.  He’s never seen snow and certainly never been anywhere this cold.  He can’t believe it, and is telling people in India that there’s “ice on the ground!”.  It’s morning frost.  The funniest part is that he usually gets his coat all buttoned up around his face right at the time we make it to the door and go inside.  I’m hoping he’ll just learn to walk fast like I do.

He’s a great worker, and good guy, so I think things are going to be just fine.  Still, I’ve had that anxious sweat more than once around him as I try to find the words, or worry about his well-being.  It’s interesting how two people can have a lot in common and still be so very different.

More later.  We’re only a few days in.  I’ve got to keep this gerbil alive for 25 days or I fail.

4 Comments | By: Brody | tags: Indian, visitor. | #

Last night I drove up to the airport and picked up a co-worker of mine.  We’ve worked together for a year now but had never met.  He’s from India and this is his first trip the United States.  He stepped off the plane, looked around a bit, and I stepped up and introduced myself.  Luckily, I picked the right Indian guy and we got off to a good start with some smiles.

An hour and a half later I walked him to his hotel room and made sure he was OK for the evening.  We arranged for me to pick him up in the morning, and I finally got home and went to sleep.

The next day started the beginning of his American education.  And this is why I’m posting this.  This month I am responsible for someone’s entire opinion of the U.S.  He’ll be gone by the 1st of February and take with him some strong impressions for sure.

I have to tell ya, that’s kind of a big deal to me.  I really want him to have a good impression.  Then again, there are some major cultural differences here that are going to get in the way.  KC is famous for BBQ.  He’s a Hindu and they are famous for their sacred cows.  We’re not going out for ribs!  He doesn’t drink alcohol either, which is arguably an American passtime.

So, I’m figuring it out.  I’m driving him to and from work, taking him to lunch, etc.  Plans are in the works for some entertainment, but it should be interesting to see if I can make this happen.

3 Comments | By: Brody | tags: Indian visitor. | #

More than one person has asked me why the posting stopped.  I have a family blog and it stopped there too.  I’ll not bore you with the internal struggle of identity I have faced for the past few months, and I’ll spare you the talk about the demotivation that occurs when one’s life turns from a hearty challenge to a slow burn of [fun] daily activities.  Either way, it’s just easiest to say I’ve been in the dumps creatively.  I’ll see what I can do to break out.  The vivid dreams I’ve experienced the past two weeks peaked last night with love, celebrities, and crushes.  I woke up afterwards and said, “that was the best dream EVAR”.

I want to make a few changes in my life.  Nothing drastic.  I think I just fell into a rut a while back, and was making a successful climb out of it when the rungs fell off the ladder.  I was taking photos every day, writing often, and had an active social life offline and on.  I liked my old site, my old contacts, and the fun I had sharing with people that I loved.  It was exciting, fun, and it motivated me to be creative.  I’m sad to not have that in my life anymore.  My goal now is to get back to being creative with the opportunities before me.

2008 wasn’t a great year, but there were some highlights.  Obama’s election was the best worldly moment for me.  Everything else in the world got worse.  Watching my little girl’s first soccer season was a personal highlight.  Actually, the super tight, prideful hug afterwards was the specific moment I loved best.  I enjoyed a good friend’s marriage, two great kid birthdays, got hired on as a full-time employee at my job, and stepped into HDTV with both feet.  That’s a pretty good year.  It’s certainly enough to forget having 30% less in savings than a year ago.

Liz says I’m the king of resolutions, because I always have one or more.  I shall not disappoint.  Here is my list.

- Keep my job by being the most valuable/least dispensible person on my team.
- Teach my kids to skate with real inline skates.
- Play more guitar with more people.
- Golf a lot more.
- Set my personal best time in a half-marathon.

Have a great 2009 everyone.

10 Comments | By: Brody | | #

I like it when the house is clean and tidy.  I think most of us do, although there are different levels that each of us would accept.   Kids certainly change that. So does moving.  We dealt with both in the past few years and as a result we have accumulated many boxes of random crap that are unsorted and rarely needed.  There are old CDs, Christmas and Halloween decorations, books, magazines, and keepsakes of odd sorts.  It’s amazing how much one can accumulate over time.  We’ve intended to organize this mess for quite a while but just haven’t made time for it.

Winter is here and with it comes the motivation to make every bit of space we have available for playing inside.  We love love love playing outside, riding bikes, playing ball or tag with the neighbors, etc.  We try our best to be active inside during the winter, but it’s obviously much harder.  The basement is needed for scooter races and ball-kicking and whatnot.  So, I invested in three shelves and 18 containers for organizing.

It took a couple of weeks, but I got the shelves assembled, and we organized everything into labeled containers.  We took a load to the Goodwill and put many large boxes of trash.  The end result is a waterproof, organized storage area.  It has also cleared up a pretty awesome scooter and bike path down there.  Seeing the kids enjoy it is a great reward.

Mouse over the pictures for a description.

Are you organized?  Do you have plans to be?

6 Comments | By: Brody | tags: organizing basement. | #

When I was in high school, I played football with a guy named Scott.  We played the same position, so we spent a lot of time together and became friends.  One day, he was driving me around in his new car (Camaro I think) and said, “You’ve gotta hear this new CD I just picked up.  It’s awesome.”  So, we listened, and I liked.  I liked it enough that the next time I heard it, I bought a CD of my own.  This must have been 1992 or 1993, and the album was Pretty Hate Machine.  I loved how different Nine Inch Nails was, and over the years they have continued to change and be ahead of the curve.

I saw NIN in concert Friday night, and some 15 years later, they are still ahead of the curve.  I’ve never seen anything like the show they put on, and I’ve seen quite a lot.  NIN is excellent live. They are on key, don’t forget lyrics, have excellent musicians, and a phenomenal visual performance.  It was a stellar show, and Trent Reznor and the guys have raised the bar once again on what you should expect from a concert.

The stage reacted to the movements and sounds from the musicians.  It’s display was hooked into them in a way I’ve not seen before, and every time we thought we’d seen the pinnacle of what they could do, something else would make us say, “woah.”  I’d encourage you to go see them, or for the short, short version hit up YouTube for videos on the Lights in the Sky tour.

We had a great time.  Afterward, we went out and used the night up well with college town bar drinking, and late night Steak ‘n’ Shake.  It was quite a night, and just the thing I needed.

Have you been to any good concerts this year?  What about good night-outs?

3 Comments | By: Brody | tags: NIN concert. | #

Truth in advertising.  What does that mean?  Does it mean that ads tell us the truth?  Does it mean that we have to search for the truth?  I rather think that it tells us what the smart people really think of us.  How do you sell to the huddled masses of not-so-bright folk?  Advertising.

3 years ago I was driving 30 minutes each way to work, and listening to a lot of radio.  Not that fancy satellite radio, I go for the free stuff with ads attached.  What I heard was back to back commercials for mortgage financiers.  There are four or five local ones that bang the shit out of the local market with their smarmy ads.  They pushed ARM loans and home equity lines of credit.  Paired with them were realty deals that were out of this world.  Of course now, you all realize that this was the buildup of the horrible housing market crash.

2 years ago, the debt consolidation ads started becoming more frequent.  Ameridebt. Cosolidebt.  Etc.  Stupid names, sneaky people.  All of these debt consolidators were snakes in the grass, poaching people who ran out and bought everything on credit and were starting to feel the heat.  These “entrepreneurs” were playing on the VERY MENTALITY that got people into too much debt to begin with.  Push your payments out further and reduce your monthly payments.  And those are the good ones.  Some companies just take their money and don’t pay their debts off.

1 year ago, those ads were drying up and as the economy slowed.  Car dealerships started offering 0% financing, folks like Suze Orman and Dave Ramsey got a lot more air time, and people started to get worried.  Gas prices climbed and profit margins fell.

This year, everyone realized what they’d done.  America was pushed, shoved… advertised into debt.  Companies fed off of the ignorance of the average American and pushed debt on them that they simply could not afford.  Now comes the “Oh, shit.” epiphany.  Old credit card debt has TVs, toys, and clothes on it.  New credit card debt has only gas and groceries.  America has more debt than money, and finally people realize what that means.  It’s been about 30 years since the introduction of the personal credit card and we’ve finally gotten a wake-up call.  Debt is bad, people.  Just say no.

On top of this shit storm, we realized that America is completely OWNED by the cost of gas.  When gas hit $4.00/gal this summer, we saw a ton of hybrid commercials.  GM retooled big time, Ford and Chrysler are coming along.  And then, this weekend I’m watching commercials and what do I see?  BIG TRUCK commercials with Dodge RAMs flying through the air and the new F150 Ford Super Duty this and that. 10mpg?  No problem!  Gas is back down to $2.00!  Go buy $40,000 trucks and drive fast!  What do you mean gas prices were high, I don’t remember that?!

*sigh*

I’d like to believe that we’ve all learned our lesson with this housing crunch and overall economic recession.  I really would.

But the truth is in the advertising.

(update:  interesting, someone at boing boing had a similar thought right after me)

4 Comments | By: Brody | tags: advertising. | #